What I’ve Wanted
It’s well into the night,
When I am emotionally jolted from the depths of sleep
And rising to near alertness.
The familiar metallic pain blooms quickly in my chest,
To reproduce the impudent autonomic algorithm of the physiology of fear.
I’ve been here before,
And instead of panic I choose the widening sadness.
Tonight, I allow the volumes of
Tears to silently find their way unhurried
Over my skin, through my hair, pooling into my ears.
Like rain on the pane of a window,
I trace the thoughts that produced these tears,
I follow their jagged route this night,
Surrendering in search of what my body is trying to tell me.
When I chose better for myself
I knew I risked being without.
Slowly I have sipped at this
And slowly, I have acquired a taste for
The flavors of this contemplation.
I have sipped and watched as people meet, lust, and love
I sipped and noticed the new diamonds
I sipped and saw bellies grow fruitful
I have sipped and hoped well for them.
And I have swallowed my contemplations
One after another because
When others made a splash
I’d only taken a dip.
Maybe I’ve not fully wanted the way others have.
I haven’t competed much at life, love, or lust
Maybe this is why I can sit and sip
And tolerate the flavors of contemplation.
I follow the sadness to the thicket of grief
I get tangled in wondering
If I may never get
What I have purely wanted.
I allow my mind to remember
What I had wanted then.
When, we lusted and loved
But we didn’t live.
I tore away and bled and bled
All over my family and friends.
I cover my ears but there is no sound
I close my eyes but there is nothing to be seen
I hold myself tightly but there is no protection
As I remember from within.
I have used the word acceptance,
I have advocated for my choices.
But here tonight,
I see that I’m not certain that I have accepted,
Because I’m not sure I’ve chosen.
And I never thought I’d be without.
I took off my hope when I took off those rings
And laid down to heal.
But safety is only a season, and that’s the mistake I made when
I stayed too long and slept in too late.
That’s when I exchanged my passion for passivity
Ownership in my life to rent space amongst others
Competition for observation
My fight, given away for apathy.
Within this experience of pain,
The realization tries to grow a belief around me;
That I may never get what I’ve wanted.
The trails of these thoughts and their tears
Have led me to their puddle of reflection.
I look for the girl,
Separated from her beauty,
Tired from fighting to survive through the pain,
And completely unarmed.
But I cannot mistake that who I see is not who I expected.
She isn’t nearly as gone as she can feel
Instead of a girl I see a woman
Instead of muted face, I see a damp glow
Instead of a shaky voice, I hear her song
If anything the weight of her wants pressing down on her has strengthened her resolve
And I see her grow from her kneeled perch over this puddle
Standing to her height
Observing the season
And changing to dress for the occasion,
Finding that her hope has been washed and folded.
She goes on ahead, to continue looking for what she has always wanted,
With her heart still as pure as the day she was born.
I flip my damp pillow,
Let my body relax,
And my mingling consciousness and I fall deeply back into the night ahead.
